Monday, April 25, 2011
Spring Break Story
during spring break me and my dad went to the dells and we got to do a lot of stuff although it was really rainy and cloudy we still had a lot of fun doing whatever we could find that was open there really was not that much open and we still got to hike, go to some good restaurants and, and get to see a lot of stuff there was also a huge arcade that we got to go to and win some cool things lastly of both nights that we were there we saw two movies paul and arthur they were both really funny.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hello,
ReplyDeleteTo start off this entrance is fairly weak and did not draw me in one bit.I mean honestly me and my dad did stuff? What stuff? Then you stated it was rainy and cloudy, pause. You just killed the opportunity to truly describe your situation towards the readers who were turned off by the lacking entrance. Next, honestly we still had a lot of FUN? FUN is an elementary word, use a thesaurus to find more interesting words. Once again why would you use the word good restaurants, try advanced words such as phenomenal, that would make your writing just a tad bit better, and o boy does it need to get better. Then you wasted another amazing opportunity and said stuff again, QUIT IT!!! Congrats you won things, list those things I mean honestly work on being brief to make the writing a tad bit better. Hey at last you said what movies you saw, but seriously they were good, why were they good? Explain yourself child. Much improvement needed. Stick with writing and it might not be horrific.
I agree with the other zach hater... You can do better zach... you can do better.
ReplyDelete